I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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