Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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