apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
