he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
