Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
