Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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