people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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