Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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