It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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