my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
