he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
