hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
