Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
