You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
