Where is the hickey?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
