I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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