Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
