I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
