It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
