Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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