i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
