Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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