I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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