Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
so let's talk penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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