i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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