Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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