I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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