I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
