I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
