i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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