I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
