think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
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The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
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What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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