When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
