Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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