Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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