Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
