If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
