Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
