I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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