You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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