So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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