I faked an abortion last night.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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