come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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