i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
