Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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