you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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