i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You don't make any sense
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