A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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