it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
