I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
