Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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