I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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