A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I am in a vortex of obligation.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I need to stop coming to work sober
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
