I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
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Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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