SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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