Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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