I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I could make wine with my vomit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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